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WRITE CLUB, Super Villain - 3/4/13

Who among us has not felt the urge to steal? Something small, perhaps. A candy bar. A pack of smokes. A pair of gloves.

And I know. That you have at some point succumbed to that urge. That one time – a series of times, some of you.

You know that tremor. At the base of your gut. That quiver, that… quickening.

And you have turned away from it.

You felt that quickening, and failed to apprehend its enormity.

The treasure is not the item. The target of your burglary. Is beside the point. Your ill-gotten gains – that candy bar, or pack of smokes, or pair of gloves; that car, or necklace, or identity, is incidental.

The point – of the entire enterprise – is that quickening. That quickening is the speck of grit that becomes the pearl; the ember that becomes the conflagration. That quickening is the seed of greatness.

Because there is larceny in every heart. There is mayhem curled in every set of entrails. Lawlessness and misdeeds are the fluid that cradle every brain.

Be honest. When you got away with snatching that candy bar, or pack of smokes, or pair of gloves – you felt vindicated, a little bit, didn’t you? Didn’t you? You congratulated yourself – RIGHTLY congratulated yourself – for outwitting the store clerk, or the security guard, or the firewall.

Or, alternately, when you got caught. You felt the sting of the unfairness of it. Pilfering that cash, or that stack of ingots, or those nuclear launch codes.

It has often been observed that if you want something in this life, you must take it. Is it not better to take that which you want in a scheme that involves chloroformed guards and outwitting security cameras than it is to just saunter in and snag it? Of course it is. Is it not better to surround oneself with a swarm of expendable henchmen who remain fanatically if inexplicably devoted to you than to do all the heavy lifting yourself? Goes without saying.

And is it not better to hold a municipality hostage with convoluted plots involving the detonation of bridges and careening armored cars than it is submit a request, or go through channels? You better believe it is.

Would not the right-thinking person rather do nothing so much as bring the nations of the world to the brink of utter destruction as they scramble to meet your unreasonable and escalating demands, while you laugh a throaty and demonic laugh, ensconced in your sub-volcanic secret base or orbiting in your space station – a space station, it’s worth emphasizing, that was privately funded, launched, resupplied, and maintained, and which, though quite massive, has eluded all detection until you unveil it for your nefarious plot?

Superheroes. Pssh. Buncha doofuses, man – buncha squares.

Who is more compelling – if you’re honest with yourself – Dr. Doom, or Reed fucking Richards of the Fantastic Four? Dr. Doom – who has a totally badass metal suit and menacing cloak, and lives in HIS OWN CASTLE in Latveria – a country that had to be made up to contain his villainy – or Mr. Fantastic? Who lives in a high rise in Manhattan and whose “super power” is that he’s stretchy? Dr. Doom – whose mask alone is not merely the perfect expression of robotic malevolence and is an undeniable precursor to Darth fucking Vader – who is a master without peer of both technology AND sorcery? Or Reed Richards? Who looks essentially like Bob from the Church of the Subgenius.

It’s no contest.

Who captures your imagination – The Red Skull, whose face, for the sake of clarification, is a RED FUCKING SKULL – or Captain Goddamn America? Come ON. Captain America – who wouldn’t even BE a superhero were it not for the injection of the that secret serum – I have it good authority, has an IQ of like sixty-two.

Batman – the one superhero with anything on the ball – he’s got the cave, he’s got the gadgets, he’s got a dark side. But even Batman’s villains kick the crap out of him on the coolness scale –

Joker? Fully clownface insane.

Two Face? Half of his face is burned right off!

Penguin? Penguin is a piece of shit and everybody knows it – doesn’t deserve inclusion in this company. Everybody hates Penguin - everybody.

GOD. Just THINKING about that egg-shaped little sack of crap makes me wanna smack somebody.


Even accepting for a moment that all the second- and third-tier super villains deserve a place at the table – and you know the super villain table would be awesome, like a slab of titanium flecked with lapis lazuli or something – if you stacked all the super villains up against all the superheroes, there’s no CHANCE you’d pick the superheroes. NO CHANCE.

Because taken together, what would strike you about the superheroes – whatever their different abilities and whatnot – would be how appallingly BORING they all are. Just so squeaky clean. With the moral rectitude. And the holier than thou. All the creativity of a pack of stenographers.

Where as the super villains all burn fever bright. They are men of initiative and drive and vision. Men who harness the elements and bend the world to their will.

And you’re like “Well, don’t they just define themselves in relation to their superhero enemy? Isn’t that sort of a pathetic way of framing your identity? Aren’t these people with a pretty big void at the center of their lives that they can only feel complete or fulfilled in relation to a nemesis, or, even more dumb and weird, with just indiscriminate destruction and the shedding of innocent blood? Is that any kind of rational basis for building a life?”










WRITE CLUB, Solid - 2/19/13

Aqua Man. Aqua Man is universally and rightly derided as the least qualified of the Super Friends – and here I’m including the Wonder Twins’ pet monkey Gleek. Even the colors of Aqua Man’s suit are ineffectual-looking. Orange and green? Come on. Orange and green is an acceptable combo if you’re working the drive-thru at an off-brand fast food place. Not if you’re claiming to be a superhero.  

From all quarters, Aqua Man is held in contempt as not even deserving the characterization SUPER Friend, instead, in the interests of accuracy, earning something like Friend Who, Though Perhaps Well Intended, And No Doubt Wishing To Help, Is Completely Fucking Useless In a Crisis. I mean, honestly: is there a catastrophe you could name where there is the urgent need for the ability to go for a swim and send out the rings of sonar communication circles from your head? Of course you can’t. Unless you are a porpoise. And the crisis involves an approaching school of fish.

As a super power, the ability to swim fast has been thoroughly debunked by Michael Phelps, who has demonstrated that it is possible to swim at a record-setting pace while doing prodigious bong hits. Plus, it’s well known that he’s part porpoise.

But those among us who are not porpoises can tell you that everything worth saving – everything worth fighting for – is here. On dry land. And if we need a blond and effeminate man to go for a dip and commune with fish, then it is too late for us. The tsunamis of the Extinction Level Event will have crested over the Rockies and we will all have perished. And Aqua Man, in that ugly fucking suit of his, will be the only human left alive to see it. And the dolphins and eels and tuna will all shun him, for as surely as he did not belong in the world of men, he does not belong in their marine world, either. He will die as he lived: a freakish orphan who makes everybody uncomfortable.

If you want to kill somebody, which is the honorable way: the certain and dependable steel of a blade, or gutless little droplets of poison? The solidity of steel, my friends – it trumps sneaky, sneaky poison every time. Poison is the coward’s way. Poison is how nurses kill people, man. If you aim to kill somebody – and I think we all do – and you want to respect yourself afterward, don’t be a punk about it. Stab them with a knife; bash them with a brick. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.

I know what you’re saying: “But what of Terminator 2: Judgment Day, where the T-1000 is made of liquid metal?”

Yes, sure. Liquid metal is good for disguising yourself as a cop or whatever, but if you wanna kill one of the Sarah Connors you find in the phone book, you turn your hand into a giant bayonet. A giant SOLID bayonet. And at the end of the movie, you essentially end up being a shiny puddle. Which you deserve, because you didn’t have the goddamn sense to travel a little farther back in time and kill Jon Connor as a baby. Which you could have done with a fucking pillow. You idiot liquid robot.

And you’re like “Well, what about mercury? That’s a useful liquid metal.” Yeah, maybe. For vacillating inside a thermometer like an indecisive little bitch. Plus, mercury’s also a poison. That turns you stupid before it kills you.

And, besides, when Ashford and Simpson serenade us about their timeless and enduring love, what do they extol as the prime virtue of their union? It is that they are solid. Solid as a rock.

And when the Arab spring erupted and quickened our hope for liberty in Tunisia and Lebanon and Egypt, did we stand in liquidarity with our brothers and sisters throughout the region? We did not. To do so would have been an insult.

Because liquid lacks conviction. Liquid is a treacherous and noncommittal state of matter.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. Because he will question your motives. But if you give that same horse a carrot, or and apple, or a cube of sugar, you will have earned yourself a friend, because even a horse can recognize an offer of substance.

To describe a person of character is to talk about their solidity – their principles which are unshakable, their good will which is unwavering. 

“He’s a solid guy,” we’ll say, by which we mean here is a man that can be trusted. The opposite of which is that someone is wishy-washy. Like liquid. Sloshing around without any fixed center or any consistent direction.

When we look to the future, and we like our chances, we’ll say that our “prospects are solid.” Likewise an athlete who shows great promise is called a “solid prospect.” And when we need a favor, especially one that matters, we ask “Hey – can you do me a solid?”

Whereas if you think of all those things that make each of us disgusting and sad – blood, tears, snot, bile, semen, sweat, pus, puke. Liquids, all. What is the one part of us that will last? Bone. It is bone and bone alone – the most irreducibly solid part of us – that has any chance of being exhumed and studied by future generations.

And let’s face it. For most of us, it’s too goddamn late in the here and now to have a life of any consequence. The best we can hope for is that our future bone fragments will be of moderate scientific interest. Because everything you are right now – all of it – will liquefy and disappear. Only your bones, your solid, solid bones will abide as the only evidence that you were ever here.


WRITE CLUB, New - Debut at SPACE, 1/7/12

Old hunkered by the mouth of his cave, as he had always done. His cave sat near the summit of a mountain. His mountain.

Old sat cross-legged in frayed robes, with a gnarled staff in his lap, a staff ideal for hiking – worn smooth by his grip, and just the right height for him to lean on when covering tricky terrain.

But Old had not been hiking for a long, long time. He could not recall the last time he had quit twirling his greasy beard by the fire to stretch his legs.

Old could remember a time when he had strode about this mountaintop, chancing upon all manner of wonderment and mystery – Old had seen eaglets accepting fresh-ripped meat from their mother’s hooked beak; Old had seen jagged towers of ice shearing off a glacier’s face and plunging majestically into the frigid lake; Old had seen just-laid tracks of the Yeti.

But that was an impossibly long time ago, however. Old had remained hunched by this fire at the mouth of this cave for a time beyond calculation.

Old’s legs calcified into a slack and unmoving knot; Old’s mind folded like the skin of a teepee around the spindly frame of the ideas he liked best, leaving all others outside it.

Old’s face creased not with laughter or worry or sorrow – it collapsed in on itself while he squints blankly into the embers.

Old ate the same rinds of bread, the same thin gruel, day upon day upon day.

Old dispensed the same threadbare wisdom to his dwindling number of visitors, and regaled them with the same pointless stories – stories rendered all the more pointless by the fact that his fidgeting visitors had heard them many times elsewhere. These pilgrims would lapse into silence as Old murmured these stupid, stupid stories. They had known him only an hour, but they had already come to hate Old a little bit.

They had climbed this goddamn mountain to hear platitudes from this toothless old bastard who managed somehow to smell like cabbage even though there wasn’t a head of goddamn cabbage within a thousand fucking miles of this cave.

These pilgrims would tromp back down the mountain the second they could. And they would never come back. And word would travel. And the pilgrims stopped coming altogether.

And Old grew more addled and lonesome and irrelevant. His yellowed and misshapen feet wore a shallow trough between his place at the fire and the nest of rancid thatch he slept on, and his narrow ass wore a shallow cove into the stone beneath him.

He cursed his longevity as he waited. He waited so long he forgot why he waited. What vestiges remained of his purpose dried out, curling away like onion skin and getting consumed by his dismal little fire. Old’s rheumy and unfocused eyes watched without understanding the cinders of his purpose borne aloft on tendrils of smoke.

Death was a mercy denied him. Each whistling breath was a cruelty. Each day’s waking a betrayal.

He grew more sunken and bowed and barren.

Then. One day. As the dawn was breaking, Old poked at the embers of his fire with a stick and peered down into the valley through the disconsolate smoke.

His heavy-lidded eyes opened wider than they had in a long, long time.

Down below the tree line, he could see movement. Ferocious and single-minded movement. And Old heard thundering footfall. And cracking tree limbs.

The first of the aspens dropped with a SHUSSSSSSSH and a BOOM. Then a pair of fir trees, sheared off like wheat under a scythe. And the trees kept falling in a march up the mountain.

Whatever was down there was kicking up a hell of a dust cloud. And dirt clods. And stones. And chunks of tree root.

Old gazed, transfixed, at the swath being cut up the mountain – his mountain.

Whatever that thing was down there, it was hauling ass for sure. Old could hear it growling, now.

A figure burst through the last of the trees, a figure whose features and form were tough to make out because of the staggering velocity of the guy. This guy was SPRINTING up the face of the mountain. But four-limbed like a primate – planting his knuckles, springing upward like a baboon burning with a need to kill you, just tearing up the mountain like demon.

Before Old could fully take in this figure – the bunched muscles, the bursts of sod and sticks, the blazing eyes – the demon primate was upon him, standing just the other side of his pitiful little fire.

The baboon demon thing was totally still – not inert, like Old, but coiled, thrumming, ready.

Old was so far past readiness, he didn’t even recognize it when it stood by his fire.

Old sat in stupid silence from a moment.

Finally, Old croaked in voice gritty with disuse:

“What’s your name?”

The stranger said nothing, just reached over the fire and grabbed a fistful of Old’s beard. He twisted the coarse whiskers into a knot around his fist, lifted Old off the slab of stone. He met Old’s eyes for just a second, his gaze volcanic with contempt.

Then he hurled Old off the face of that mountain.

And Old, as he cartwheeled through the air – before he shattered on the rocks below, and even though he was hurt and bewildered to have been chucked wordlessly off what had been his mountain – thought to himself:

“Whoa. That was pretty bad-ass.”


WRITE CLUB, Santa - Benefit Show, 12/28/12

NB: All the numbered items below are "title cards" I flipped in advance of the section following. Make sense? Of course it does.

1.) Introduction

There are similarities: two bearded men with in an interest in changing our behavior. HOWEVER, there remain critical differences.

2.) Purity of Motivation

Santa Claus wants only your happiness. He wants you to know joy and plenty, and he works his ass off to help you get there.

Jesus? Bit of a dick, actually.

On the cross, He said:

“Forgive them, Father – they know not what they do.”

Which COULD be read to mean that he urged “God’s” forbearance and mercy upon mankind; that it was our fallibility and fear that led us to persecute and kill him. That even in his last agony, his plea to his invisible dad-God was to lay off the smiting.

That’s one reading.

But looked at ANOTHER way, this is maybe the most passive-aggressive thing anybody’s ever said about anything at any time. Because to ME, it seems clear that the “Prince of Peace” is really saying:

“No, yeah. You guys should totally kill me. I mean, since you guys are such ignorant and primitive swine, it’s not like you can help yourselves. Dad-God, you should totally not wipe them out, cause that would be like executing retards.

And, YEAH, He said “retards.”

2.) Farts

When Santa Claus farts, it smells like spruce, and fresh ginger bread, candy canes melting in cocoa, and ardent wishes fulfilled – the wishes of everybody you’ve ever been fond of.

Every bracing gust of Santa’s ass-wind radiates the warmth of a potbellied soul-stove around which all people living and dead may warm their feet, and where we are granted freedom from fear and wanting. We are made whole for a time – we are unbroken, and our hearts become – even if only fleetingly – expansive, forgiving, and kind.

When Jesus Christ farts, it’s nothing but two thousand year-old frankincense and myrrh, so it smells like a mummified candle store.

3.) Comprehension of the Human Heart

Santa asks only that you try your best. Santa applauds your efforts – he appreciates that you keep plugging away, and he forgives you for falling short.

And Santa asks that you do your best THIS YEAR, and he will bring your presents THIS YEAR. There’s a statute of limitations on his judgment.

JESUS rewards? MAYBE after you’re dead.

Which of these guys understands you better? The guy who gives you an encouraging chuck on the chin and a payoff you can grasp?

Or the dude who expects you to remain pure indefinitely – just for the sake of it, offering you only the model of his cheerless self-sacrifice –a joyless slog of pain and futility toward some entirely theoretical prize you won’t live to see?

If you wanna motivate somebody, do you set for them an ambitious-yet-reachable goal?

Or do you go: “Army-crawl through that endless expanse of shit-speckled shards of glass for the next unspecified number of decades and I will totally give you a lollipop after you croak?”

4.) Appetite

Santa will eat the cookies you leave him. He’ll chow down on the cookies, and he’ll down the milk, and he won’t turn his nose up at a couple-few fingers of brandy, either. I bet he’d take a pull on your one-hitter if you left it for him.

If you personally eat a wheel of cheese, and a tower of macaroons, and a handle of scotch, Santa will remain your pal.

Jesus? He wants you to dine on homemade wine and dry-ass rustic bread.

He’s one of those self-righteous hippies who trick you into coming to their house for dinner only to slide a platter of weird-smelling nut loaf in front of you, then follows it with side of spelt drizzled in fucking misery. Fuck that guy. You will eat a McRib on the way home from his fucking house.

5.) Cultural Portrayals

Does the face of Santa appear in shrouds and in the grain of plywood and in water stains at overpasses and in toast? No. Jesus has cornered that particular insanity market.

True, there is Silent Night, Deadly Night, the slasher flick about a teen who DRESSES LIKE Santa and kills a whole mess of people, ONLY cause he was traumatized by watching his parents murdered by a dude in a Santa suit, so it’s forgivable, really, when you think about it. Aside from that, pretty much all the portrayals of Santa are totally positive.

But can we say the same of JESUS? We cannot.

Because of JESUS, John Lithgow would not permit his daughter Lori Singer and her boyfriend Kevin Bacon to dance. And what of Chris Penn? For did not Chris Penn long only for Kevin Bacon to teach him sweet dance moves in a montage set to “Let’s Hear It For the Boy?” Of course he did – that’s all any of us want.

And because of JESUS, Piper Laurie went straight out of her mind and punished her daughter Sissy Spacek for having her period. I mean, yeah, getting doused in pig blood sent her over the edge to kill everybody at the prom, but all that Jesus weirdness at home can’t have helped.

6.) Roman Catholic Priests

When Catholic priests engage in non-consensual ass play with choirboys, or altar boys, or kids from the daycare, or, really, any kid that’s too slow-footed or trusting to elude capture, whose skirts they hiding behind?

Well, the coarse-woven robes of Jesus, that’s who.

Santa does not sexually assault children.

Which isn’t to say Jesus did, necessarily – we just can’t know for sure. Long time ago. It is worth noting, though, that Jesus seemed to hang around with a whole shitload of whores.

I will concede that Krampus, one of the folkloric antecedents to Santa, did rape some kids each year. But this was less an act of sexual aggression than it was an expression of the Germanic insistence on ruthless enforcement of an unyielding Teutonic moral code.

7.) Conclusion

So, if you wanna throw in with a weird-smelling hippie who offers you no hope in this life and serves shitty weird food, that’s your business.

The rest of us are gonna hang with the big man.


Paper Machete - 12/15/12 - "Primates"

In my capacity as Dean of Mean for the Machete, I was assigned the Apocalypse. 

This is what came out.

According to fucktards, the Mayan calendar’s tells us that the world will end next Friday, a conclustion that is rooted in shitty scholarship, alarmist fuckwaddery, and a toxic slurry of prejudice, unreason, and unacknowledged despair. 

The shoddy non-scholarship that has led to the Da Vinci Code-caliber bunching of our collective panties is this:

  • The numbers run out of the Mayan Long Form Calendar.
  • White people learning of this, with their rigid, linear mindset draw the conclusion that no more numbers = time has run out. No time = the end of everything.
  • This sloppy interpretation fails is to take into account cultural context. In the European mind, Time is an arrow – let fly by a hand unseen from a long-ago bow. And that arrow flies onward in a single direction. Till the end of forever. The Mayans tradition – like many others – held that Time was cyclical. It’s like believing that because the odometer on your dashboard has turned over to zeroes, your Ford Fiesta has ceased to exist.


Look. I’ll be honest. I had another piece almost ready to go.

I wrote a thing that was a mashup of that Cusack movie 2012 and that REM song The End of the World As We Know It. It was fairly funny. In it, I posed the theory that the song was Michael Stipe’s incredibly repetitive Bucket List for the species, and I did a detailed dissection of that fucking movie, which I watched – IN FULL – and can tell you is easily one of the most bloated slabs of ineptitude every committed to film.

But then yesterday happened.

Look. I know you came here to be entertained. But when I heard the news yesterday, I could not finish that other thing. I couldn’t. Not for want of trying, but I just could not.

Because I’m not just shaken. I’m scalded. I’m scoured out.

Because like the Mayans understood, and which they carved into a stone tablet that we fail again and again to read:

The world. Keeps ending.

Over and over again.

It ended yesterday in Connecticut. And it ended at that movie theater in Aurora. And it ended at Virginia Tech. And it ended at Columbine. And it ends every fucking weekend on the South Side. And it keeps on ending.

The average height of a kindergartner is about 40” – just above waist high, and they weigh about 40 pounds. The average kindergartner is incapable of real harm. The average kindergartner is entirely blameless. The coffin of a kindergartner is only a little taller than a mailbox.

To execute a kindergartner is no difficult task. You can snap their trusting little necks with ease. But to snuff out 20 of them is a job that requires the right tool. And the American toolbox is the most unlatched in the world. The unlatching of the American toolbox ensures that every workplace dispute, every squabble between hillbillies, every run-in with the cops, every argument on a loading dock – or, as in Sandy Hook yesterday or Aurora or Columbine – every switchback on the road of madness, ends in lethal and blood-spattered fashion.

We have ripped the lid off the American toolbox, and there are many among us who will not rest until we have pressed a tool for killing into the hand of every truck driver, green grocer, crossing guard, doorman, and dry cleaner in the nation; who would have us believe that every daycare, food court, and off ramp will be rendered safe when each of us carries our own killing tool from this unlatched and lidless toolbox.

Which is insane.

If you look into a pit filled with frightened and suspicious primates, a pit where the threat of violence is constant and imminent, the solution is not to tip a box full of hammers into that pit. The hammers will only escalate the already volatile situation in the pit. The hammers are the death knell for the primates in the pit.

But the primates cherish their hammers, and they will protest that the Primate in the Sky has imbued them with the Divine Right to wield as many hammers as they like, and that any prohibitions on the possession or use of hammers constitutes tyranny of the basest kind, and preparation for this tyranny, the primates will stockpile hammers.

And they will publish glossy magazines about hammers. And they will form clubs and societies that advance the cause of hammer culture. And elect primates that pledge never to impede the hammer agenda. And these primate constituents will exert constant pressure upon these primates they elected to remove all barriers to hammer ownership. And these hammer societies and clubs will throw their primate money behind the most compliant primate candidates, and before long, hammer ownership comes to viewed as an inviolable primate right.

But every once in a while, there’s an unstable primate who loses his primate shit and starts swinging hammers two-fisted in the crowded confines of the pit. And then he turns the hammer on himself. And in the wake of this rampage, he has left a pile of dead little primates. And the primate pundits in the pit will speculate at length about the bizarre motivations of the berserk primate who killed all those adorable primate kids, but they won’t say a fucking word about the hammers.

And then some out of work primate will swing a hammer at his girlfriend, and the primate pundits will stand astride her lifeless body to talk about the downturn of the primate economy, but they won’t say a fucking word about the hammers.

And then some unpopular primate teen will crush a bunch of skulls in his cafeteria, and the primate pundits will talk about the music and video games the primate teen was into, but they won’t say a fucking word about the hammers he snuck into school that day.

And the primates will shed tears and post on primate facebook that all primates everywhere should hug their primate kids extra hard that day, and should implore the Primate in the Sky for a return to primate sanity.

And these primates in the pit – the same fucking primates who won’t bat an eye when they gotta take off their primate shoes at the primate airport, and can only bring a tiny thing of shampoo on the primate plane, or when they’re no longer permitted to use certain pesticides on their primate farms, or gotta show primate ID to get certain cold medicines at the primate CVS, for fear that they’re cooking primate meth – these primates will howl for the heads of any primate who wonders aloud if maybe the primate love of hammers and how easy hammers are to get might have something to do with all these hammer deaths in the pit.

They will call these primates treasonous faggots who hate primate liberty. And, if these lippy primates persist in this line of questioning, these uppity elitist primates better watch their fucking backs, because who knows when some hammers might start swinging at them. Or their primate wife and kids. Be a real shame if that happened.

And the rational primate, the primate prone to questioning hammer policy in the pit? He freaks out a little bit. Cause he just wants to protect his primate family. From the veiled threat of hammer violence.

So what does he do? He goes and gets himself the biggest goddamn hammer he can get his hands on.

And the uneasy order is restored in the pit.

Until the world ends again.